Saturday, June 22, 2013

Revved up like a Deuce, A summer story.

You guy's forgot about me huh?

I've been experiencing some "Technical Difficulties" with blogger, the difficulties being the APP for Blogger.
It's complete horse shit for androids, I'm sure it runs like a top for a flippin Iphone but I'm not an "Iphone" Person. I can't afford that pricey shiz basically I have your run of the mill smart phone my network is Boost Mobile (Blegh) and the app just doesn't run from my cell, and the laptop at this house is pretty much always in use since it's our main source for TV as well.

However there are day's like today where I get the living room free for a few hours so I sit here diddle around on the interwebs, You guy's are lucky that my a.d.d. hasn't been activated by any cool ads for new games or some crazy link I've followed on facebook, has me looking at twisty cats trying to figure out why in the fucking world some sick ass person would want to breed cats that way, Then I start thinking about HUMANS in general and all of the sudden Jesse Ventura pops in my head, then Ace Ventura 'cause you know once you see Jim Carrey do the crazy act on Ace Ventura in that pink tutu your life is pretty much changed forever (Super Slow Mo)... It's a mess. Just be happy that my attention has been on this blog for this long.

So I was thinking I would share some of the funny shit that has happened to me over the summer so far, you know the kids are with me all week and then see there dads weekends during summer vacation though it's not a strict schedule by any means. The girls and I have been hanging out doing summery type shit, Let me reintroduce the kids to you guys Natalie is 9 she's my oldest, Riley is 5 she's the little one.

We were on one of our drives the other day, you know 'cause half of your time during the summer is spent going places. In a Chevy with NO AC. IN TEXAS. I love hearing the weather man say "It's gonna be another HOT one today feeeeeels like its 103 outside and the humidity will likely smuther your fat asses so rub some butter on your ass that way the buzzards won't choke on your blubber" Ok maybe he doesn't say that but it would make my fucking day if he did.

Anyways, we were driving the other day and I was forcing both the girls to listen to classic rock, 90s alternative, just anything that I used to listen to as a kid. Why you ask? Because Tiny Dancer was on and I was singing my lungs out and Natalie says "Who sings this"... I felt ashamed. So very ashamed. But figured 'Eh ok she's 9 right? let's start teaching her about Culture and the people and artists that are amazing life changing aw inspiring, FUCKING KNIGHTLY ELTON JOHN. So I'm like "It's Elton John dude, He's like the best for real. He's a real life knight, he started as a singer we'll look him up on wiki later and you can read all about him, seriously you have to learn about him!" she agree's the whole time looking at me like I've lost my mind.

Here's when I knew that I was in deep shit, failing my parenting job horribly.
No doubt "I'm just a girl" comes on, OF Course I start jamming, turned it up and was rocking out in the truck. Natalie "Ok who sings this?" Me " your killing me smalls "
so she got to watch like 4 old ass no doubt videos when we got home, Completely coincidentally No Doubt has a new album coming out and they were on Ellen that day! I can now say my kid loves No Doubt, Phew Right? like okay. I feel a little bit better now.

Next song on the radio Mannfred man (shit correct me if I'm spelling that wrong it's been awhile ok?) Blinded by the light. I'm jamming. Singing along, not thinking about the lyrics at all because I've heard this song a million times and remember my dad telling me that the artists wrote the song purely to rhyme, the words don't have any actual meaning. Maybe he was wrong but that explanation fit that song pretty well, I mean what the fuck else could those guys be singing about? revved up like a deuce?What??? 
All of the sudden Natalie reaches over, turns the radio down and says "I clearly DO NOT understand what a douche is"
I started laughing.
A good Hearty Deeeeeeeeeep In your belly laugh.
That made her laugh, even though I could tell she didn't quite get the joke.
That in turn made Riley laugh, she also had no clue what she was actually laughing at.
So we rode home laughing hysterically at something none of us really understood.

The calm before the storm. Right before teeth swole up.

As a family we also took the kids camping at the state park that the leprechaun works at (if you would like to learn that story click here  There was horse back riding, swimming, smores, a hammock, the Whole deal right? including on the 2nd day my tooth started to hurt a little bit, by that night I knew there was a problem. So we canceled one of our days, got a refund and headed home. By that night the issue was so bad I was running to the minor emergencies for help, Turns out I managed to get two impacted and infected wisdom teeth on the same damn side of my jaw. Ya I know... My luck right? 'Eh fuck it. I'm sure it's just some karma coming back my way for something stupid I did as a teen, charge it to the game.

Our camp site, Epic smores & Hobo Beans!!

The first couple of days after finding out what was going on was brutal, there was almost nothing I could do for the pain. I'm not a fan of prescription pain killers at all, I allowed myself to try to stomach couple of them just because the pain was so bad but of course they made me super ill. Throwing up ONTOP of having a swollen head is NOT FUN. Pretty sure I'd rather let someone kick me in the cooter cat with a steel toe boot.
So I ixnayed the meds besides the antibiotics and ssssssshhhhhhhhhhh don't tell anyone but I "ate a sandwich" for the pain. Sandwichs will always help with the pain way more than any meds will.
I'm feeling better now, swelling is down everything is going smoothly I'm working on getting into the dentists now.
One of the learning experiences I took from this situation was suddenly not being able to talk to your 5 old is a gigantic pain in the ass, because she doesn't really look at me when she talks to me anyways and she seemed to instantly completely forget I was sick because she would ask me something then not look my way but continue to ask questions "What are we having for dinner? Where is Job? Can I feed the fish? why aren't you answering me? I'm hungry? I'm thirsty? I have to go to the bathroom? why arent you answering me???" the entire time I'm just sitting quietly behind her rubbing my head and praying to Buddha for patients. She Knows I'm sick, She also knows I can't speak. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY WHY WON'T YOU TURN YOUR HEAD?????? but I digress....

Tis Riley can you see she was about to ask another question?

I really missed writing this goofy shit for you guy's to read, I'll try to make more time for you. Funny I just said that to my mom recently as well... Not enough time in the day to do everything I want to do and see everyone I want to see, bet one day I'll wish I had made more time. Until then I'm gonna sit in my ACed house and watch old episodes of star trek, Enjoy some time to myself.

I hope you guy's are having a flippin great summer too man!!

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